Thirty-Four

My reflection on life as I turn Thirty-Four. Thirty four used to seem so old. In my twenties I always thought when you hit your 30’s you were just all of a sudden older in all ways. You were more serious, you dressed different, you only drank expensive wine, you read the newspaper (is that even a thing anymore?). Obviously now being in my 30’s I see that none of that is true.

Holidays give me anxiety, or I should say celebrations of any kind (my birthday is not a holiday lol). I’ve been this way as long as I can remember, I just don’t particularly love the day, maybe it’s because it causes me to reminisce I’m not sure. I feel like holidays, birthdays, milestones, make me think of both the past and the future, the faces I no longer see, and I think those thoughts overwhelm me. I’m definitely so grateful to be alive, healthy, and surrounded by my amazing family, it’s just something that gets me.

Like all birthdays I sat for a while before my girls woke up. I thought about the day, the past, what the future may bring. I thought about those wishes I made every year when I blew out my birthday candles. I remember wishing for more barbies, a car, some years I’d wish to meet a good guy, for Mike to propose, I lost my grandpa on my birthday 7 years ago and I wished for one more moment with him. For a few years after we got married I wished so hard for the babies that I just wasn’t able to have. There were so many wishes, probably about 32 since I’m not counting my first birthday (I probably couldn’t wish then right?). Then I thought about the future, and for the first time in as long as I can remember I wasn’t anxious, I wasn’t planning, I wasn’t worrying. I was so overwhelmed with just a feeling of contentment, and it may seem small, but I have been praying for so long that God would put me in a place of just being happy with where I’m at. This largely relates to the years of struggling to have my girls, my life was taken over by the anxiety of testing, fertility treatments, ttc, and not so easy pregnancies. There are other things that contribute, but honestly this consumed me more than I’ll ever admit.

So here I am, I’m 34. I sat in front of that cake last night and couldn’t come up with one wish. It’s not because I have everything, I think it’s because I’ve realized I have what’s important. This may not resonate with everyone, but in the businesses of life it literally took me sitting down to reflect to realize that the peace, contentment, and rest I prayed so long for, God has provided. So with gratitude in my heart I’m jumping in to 3-4. My 30’s aren’t what I had always imagined, but I’m embracing each year, its ups and downs, and all life has for me.

Happy Friday Friends!

XoXo Niki

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